Doing Versus Getting It Done

“Let  me make one thing very clear – you are doing the job and I am the one getting it done”. These words, uttered by my manager in response to my naïve assurance to ‘get it done’, early in my career, decades ago, still resonate with a vengeance in my ears!

In the corporate world, you learn something very fast – you never do anything on your own and, to the extent possible, even avoid being a member of a team that does anything. Something to do with plausible deniability, auto-protection against failure and a host of other reasons. You always ‘get it done’. Hence the growth of myriad layers of organizational hierarchy aka middle management, coordinators and ‘touch-points’ in today’s corporate world. Even a simple task such as checking to see if it is raining outside seems to require an army of people who are – you guessed right – ‘getting it done’!

There are several variations to this theme of getting-it-done. Take the case of the much maligned concept of project management. A ‘project’ can be anything from ordering lunch for ten people to building a new office building. A seasoned project manager is capable of identifying the same number of activities and steps for completing both ‘projects’ by building in a whole host of intermediaries, each of who is getting it done through the others (in ‘Factorial N’ ways, for those who are statistically minded).

In the world of modern IT and software, you have one person writing the actual code for a feature in any system and a plethora of team leads, planners, release managers, testers, integrators, customer interface artists and what have you – who are all getting the job done, without really knowing what the job is. As an added bonus, multiple organization layers and mysterious stakeholders ensure that the job is never correctly defined or understood, which in turn provides stability for this structure to be never dismantled!

An interesting aspect of the getting-it-done phenomenon is that you don’t need to be remotely connected with what is being done. In an executive meeting to discuss and improve customer service, while the sales and customer support people are brainstorming ideas for improving response times for customer calls, the ever-entertaining and annoying head of payroll chips in with, “Guys, I know you are all busy and doing your best, so I will jump in and offer my services to coordinate and establish processes to provide measured responses commensurate with the type of incoming calls from customers – happy to get to the bottom of this and get this resolved!”. Needless to say, this is followed by stunned silence and a premature closure of the meeting.

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The Self-Deprecation Tool

I am not sure if this phenomenon is unique to the corporate world or is equally prevalent in other walks of life too – the delicate art of insulting the other person by insulting yourself.

Before you wrack your brain to figure out the sanity level of yours truly, let me begin with an example – ‘is it me going mad?’. There you go – by asking you this rhetorical question about myself (knowing fully well that I am NOT mad) I have indirectly (no, it is actually very direct!) implied that you are mad!

Hopefully you get the trend now. Let me illustrate with a few corporate scenarios that are worthy of being patented under ‘corporate culture’. You say to a coworker, “I don’t know about you but I am drowning in the new system”. What you actually mean is, “How can you and others readily accept and adapt to the new system that is doubling our workload? You guys should be protesting”.

Then there is the famous dumb question routine. In a meeting to discuss the new customer service procedures, after a long presentation explaining every nuance in the game (most of which has gone way beyond your comprehension), you get up and say, “Pardon me, this is a dumb question but ……..”. While the truth is that it IS a dumb question, you desperately make it appear that you are the smart cookie that is pointing out a flaw. The higher the level of the executive asking the question, the dumber it usually is – with the added advantage that everyone else cannot even laugh out aloud.

A variation of this dumb-question routine is to randomly interrupt a discussion and say, “Excuse me if I am getting ahead of myself but what about …..”. The unsaid stuff here is, “Know you lesser mortals that I am ten steps ahead of you. Many of you may never reach there but in the unlikely event that someone does get there through the logical sequence of traversing the other nine steps, I am not going to wait for someone else to steal my thunder”.

Here are some more I-will-insult-you-by-insulting-me favorites:

“Maybe I am missing something here but when is lunch scheduled?”
(actually, “Can’t you guys see that it is way past lunch time?)

“This is perhaps not the right forum to ask this but I was wondering …….”
(“You idiots, I know about this topic also – I was just joking about the right forum”)

“Perhaps we can compare notes later but your conclusions appear to be very unusual”
(“I have no notes and I have given no thought to this but I am quite certain you are wrong”)

In the dog-eat-dog arena of corporate games, self-deprecation is a vintage sport played by none but the best in class.

Never Say No

Have you come across a manager who never says ‘No’? I am sure many can relate to experiences with a manager, or some other executive in the corporate jungle, who is always smiling and saying, “Of course, will do” or “Not a problem” or a reassuring “Consider it done”.

As a novice, your initial reaction to interaction with such a saint, who giveth unconditionally, is one of elation. You want a two-week vacation starting tomorrow? Approved. Five thousand dollars for a company picnic? Go right ahead. Taking this a notch higher, could we hire a new contract programmer for a year? Yes, of course. And, how about an additional million dollars for the departmental budget – wink, wink, you know the answer.

Before you start wondering how rosy the world would be under such a benevolent corporate ruler, let us see how this actually translates into real (in)action. First, this manager would carefully ensure that he is not directly responsible for implementing his ill-thought-out decisions. He is depending, if not betting, on the convoluted corporate maze wherein someone else would block and tackle and actually stop the run (sorry, non-football folks, for the analogy). Maybe a HR manager will point out that the concerned employee has no vacation days left; or, no picnic locations nearby are available for the entire summer; and so on. The Machiavellian strategy is to make sure that the blame for inaction and non-implementation falls on someone else. In fact, the more experienced manager ensures that it is so, by being forearmed with relevant constraints and limitations.

A popular variation of the above theme is to give away things that are not in your domain or purview. A sales manager selling an expensive computer to a customer who does not want to buy extended warranty whispers to the customer, “don’t worry, you can always call our service department and ask for help”. When your Director asks you if you could compile an urgent sales report before the end of the day, and you are already up to your neck in other work, you obviously don’t say ‘no’ or ‘sorry’ but puff and pant and smartly state, “I am fully booked but no worries –  I will ask Beth in Operations to do this. I am sure she will be delighted to chip in”.

For more sensational, and, naturally, devastating effects, you need to move up the organization where C-Level executives are interacting with external entities. A customer manager, who is causing inordinate delays and is being diligently handled by your company’s project team, suddenly wants the project time reduced by half because she wants to go on a cruise. She approaches your VP of Projects and readily gets her wish granted. This then results not only in the frustrated project team members working weekends but sends a lot of other projects into a tailspin.

So, the moral of the story – learn to say ‘No problem’ and create problems!

Carrot and Stick – or Mashed Potato

Everyone is familiar with the good old concept of carrot and/or stick – the act of cajoling someone to do something through a reward (carrot) and/or with the threat of punishment (stick). As children, we have all gone through the phase of adjusting our actions and behavior based on the expected use of this technique by our parents.

Like with everything else, the corporate world takes this phenomenon to a new level. There are managers who have learnt and (im)perfected this art through full-time courses in business schools, company-sponsored workshops and seminars, miracles producing ‘learn leadership in 30 days’ crash courses or simply through word of mouth from colleagues.

A savvy software development manager, supervising a group of developers in a large corporation, practices this technique like witchcraft. She announces to the team that the entire group would go on a cruise if the project is completed even one day (rephrase this as ‘one minute’ if you want to take this down to the wire) ahead of schedule. While the whole group kicks into a high degree of frenzy, I mean motivation, there are the habitual slackers who spoil the fun – net result is a non-cruise. The manager, annoyed at the delays and the effect on her reputation in the company, wields the stick and cancels pre-approved vacations, even for the good performers.

In the next iteration (software development is nothing but an endless series of failed iterations, under the modern day principle of failing quickly), very few developers bother to work hard and finish their tasks on time, assuming that the group will be late anyway.  The manager, however, selectively rewards the ones who finish their individual tasks on time. She also does not pull up those who are late thus sending mixed and confusing signals like a set of faulty lights at a traffic junction.

The group of developers are now in a state of confusion, to say the least. Those who could perform better but did not do so are fretting and fuming and decide to rebel and sabotage the next project. They promote wrong assumptions and deliberately mislead others about the features of the next software application being developed by their team, with the result that the entire system is scrapped by senior management and the whole department severely reprimanded.

Thus, the ingenious and cunning, though ineffective, use of the carrot-and-stick principle results in a mushy, unpalatable mashed potato!

Geometry in Corporate Life

From my school days, the branch of Math called Geometry has been fascinating as well as frightening depending on whether I was preparing for a test or not. The corporate world, ever the innovative busy bee that it is, has added significant new dimensions (pun intended) to this science, never ever dreamt of by Euclid, Archimedes and others.

From the shape, circle, comes the concept of going round in circles, the well known form of corporate dance that maintains a facade of carrying out various (usually repetitive) actions without making any progress on the issue involved. For example, in preparation for a major presentation to senior management the following month, the departmental manager assembles his staff every day and talks about what could go wrong during the presentation, what unexpected questions might be asked, who in senior management might get a bad impression and so on. Having spent all available time in preparing for defense against imaginary ghosts, he makes no worthwhile points about the achievements of the department during the actual presentation – thus paving the way for the very reaction from senior management that he was trying to prevent!

There are other aspects of geometry that have made their way into corporate speak – scalable model, cutting corners, going full circle (aka back to square one) and throwing a curve ball to name a few. But the one concept that is used to telling effect as a strategy of evasion and diversion is the act of sending others on a ‘tangential’ path.

Let us follow the conversation at a high-level (‘C’ Level, if you will) meeting in a global organization.

Dan (CEO): How are we doing with Sales this month?

Mary (VP, Sales): We are doing OK, Dan. Have had a few hiccups in the North due to transportation issues but …..

Dan: What transportation issues? Let us get a fix on them.

Tom (Director, Transportation): The fleet company we use to move our goods has had problems due to …….

Dan: I cannot have an outside fleet company hold us to ransom. Let us explore the option of acquiring and managing our own trucks. Jon, can you initiate a study to explore this?

Jon (CFO): Well, Dan, we did some analysis five years ago through a study we conducted with …….

Dan: I don’t want excuses. Get an external, professional company to do a fresh study. I want to fix the problem (even though I don’t know if there is a problem). I want all the attendees in this room to form a Committee and submit a feasibility report in two weeks.

Tom: Dan, what I meant to say was ……

Dan: Tom, it is not your problem. No one is blaming you. Jon, get cracking on finding a consultant to start the study immediately.

Later, in the corridor……

Mary: I never said or implied that transportation issues affected our sales last month.

Tom: Jon, I only meant to say we were not paying our transporter on time and that we should clear their dues immediately.

Jon (sigh..): And now we have this unwarranted study on our hands.

 

Ambiguity

The message unequivocally conveyed in all B schools, and in any sort of internal company training conducted by a variety of agencies masquerading as management consultants is that one needs to communicate in a clear, concise and unambiguous manner. Little do these pundits know the incredible power of ambiguity as a management tool par excellence.

Ambiguity as a coveted weapon of choice is not to be confused or even compared with companion management techniques such as indecision, procrastination, denial, deflection, etc. While the said techniques are passive in nature – in that they involve NOT doing something (at least immediately) – ambiguity is an active tool requiring perpetual, perceived action.

Let us take the simple example of when a new system, say (ironically) a new mobile communication platform for the company, will be operational. As the senior IT Director in charge of the project, you want to keep your options open, namely vague (ok, ambiguous)! You mention different ‘launch’ dates in different forums – ‘2 months from now’ through ‘12 months from now’ to ‘TBD’ (to be decided). People are naturally confused, as is expected and desired by you. You take care to neither acknowledge nor deny any dates that are thrown at you, at the same time proactively making statements such as, “the first set of users should be seeing the new system very shortly”, “it is already being beta tested by first adapters”, “oh, it is just coming off the iterative validation by power users – with rave reviews, if I may add” and so on. There is a lot of buoyancy in the air and huge expectations of something big about to happen with no certainty as to when!

The seasoned manager may also practice ambiguity to keep the subordinates guessing. In the first sales review meeting, she could tell her audience, “In future meetings, I would like each one of you to go into some detail regarding your territories”. In the second meeting, she could tell them, “It is really not necessary to go into such excruciating detail about what you do – just focus on the key customers”. The sermon in the third meeting goes something like, “…. Come on guys, we all know what these customers do … let us review the power players, the influencers at these customers …. Haven’t you done any such case studies in college?”. This manager has succeeded in making the entire team jittery and frustrated. They start focusing all their energies on guessing what their manager wants them to present rather than trying to improve sales.

The pinnacle in the art of ambiguity is when your customers start feeling uncertain and even lost as to what they are buying from you. Here is a snippet from a conversation between the Sales Manager of a company trying to sell a phone service to the Admin Manager of a (potential) customer:

Sales Manager (SM): Thanks for seeing me. I assume you have already reviewed our price quote for the 100-instrument integral phone service for your office.

Customer (Admin): Yes, the proposal looks good. I have a few questions….

SM: Fire away. That is why I am here – to offer clarifications (ambiguity antenna sharpened)

Admin: Do you support 100 registered users or 100 concurrent users?

SM: Great question. (pretends to look through some information on his laptop). Our virtual circuit gateway randomizes the virtual user count allowing more than the permissible number of concurrent users to be serviced through queueing.

Admin: Hm….Er…..  Okayeeee…. So I can have more than 100 users on my system?

SM: You may consider it that way. Here is the interesting part. By using the store-and-forward method, we can support delayed processing without your users feeling any negative impact on response times.

Admin: (with no clue as to what is being said) Sounds good …. How about service levels – do you guarantee at least 99% uptime on the system?

SM: Again, a very smart question. Historically, we have achieved greater than 99.5% uptime for all our systems with 10 to 99 instruments in any one location (I am not going to tell you that for 100+ instruments, the figure is well below 80%). In case of catastrophic failures, with our automated redundancy support, we will be able to switch you over to a backup system in 30 minutes. This will cost you 25% extra maintenance ……(peers at his laptop)…..tell you what, I am going to waive this additional fee if you will confirm the order right now. What do you say?

 

Admin: (I have no idea of what I am hearing but it sounds good) OK, let us do it.

The Corporate Juggler

There you have it! Even for the weary warrior, quite used to being reduced to a hapless bystander by corporate shenanigans, this may cause a slightly raised eyebrow – or not!

A juggler has traditionally been viewed as someone who can keep you captivated, even mesmerized, with what appears to be an impossible set of skills – keeping an assortment of objects such as balls, clubs, knives and burning sticks endlessly in the air. Fast forward to the current day – and you have the corporate juggler. The similarities cannot be overstated:

  1. both like to play with multiple objects at the same time, gradually increasing the number of things they juggle
  2. both get rid of things as soon as they arrive
  3. both do not hold one specific object/topic long enough to create ownership
  4. they do not seek anyone’s assistance but quit the game at their discretion

In simple terms, corporate jugglery is about bouncing around problems and issues – not to be confused with delegation where responsibility is handed over. The suave manager never refuses to take on new assignments or solve new problems; in fact, he/she volunteers to take on new ones. But the input-output processing takes place so rapidly that the elapsed time needs to be measured in nanoseconds.

You need the sales report by tomorrow? No problem – here is an email to 200 people. You need new chairs for your department? OK – here is a 10-page questionnaire on the specifications for you to fill up. Your laptop is not working? OK, I don’t know what the problem is but I will put in a request for the operating system to be upgraded. Oh…. the sales report … have the emails come back with the sales figures? OK, I will ask my secretary to enter them on a spreadsheet. You filled in the specifications for the chairs? Alright, can you now get me a list of all the people in your department and their weights to see the strength of the chairs we need? Nice, I seem to have some free time – let me see – I can help with preparing coffee for the meeting. Can someone arrange the coffee pods in decreasing order of strength while I ask someone else to fetch cream and sugar from the pantry? OK guys, we will pick up the threads tomorrow……….

You get the idea!

As with everything else, the performance of corporate jugglery tends to be at its best at higher levels of the corporate ladder where access to knives, sticks and other destructive objects is almost infinite!